Blonde Jokes
: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:
What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:
Why are there lipstick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:
Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:
Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a
pub.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is a blonde
like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How would a blonde punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun
NO PERIOD worry worry worry.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into
the back seat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did
you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a blonde having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do blondes have
periods?
A: They deserve them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the blonde
do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did they call the blonde "twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning
runts.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the
difference between a blonde and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo",
while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a blonde?
A: The prostitute says, "Aren't
you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The blonde says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling
beige."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you
tell when a blonde is dating?
A: By the buckle print on her forehead. 40
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell who is a blonde's boyfriend?
A: He's the one with the belt buckle the matches the impression
in her forehead.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What
do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A1: Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?
A2:
I don't know.
A3: Neither did she.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How can you tell that a blondes having a bad day.
A. She has a tampon tucked behind her ear, and she can't
find her pencil.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What
do blondes wear behind their ears to attract men.
A: Their heels.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing
board.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is foreplay
for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at
once.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference
between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the
phone at once.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What
is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference
between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do blondes have big bellybuttons?
A: From dating blonde men.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
A: A waste.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks, four
bucks.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the blonde's
right leg say to the left leg?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces herself.
A2: Walks home.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference
between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
A: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The
Titanic".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is
the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the blonde's
mom say to her before the blondes date?
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
A2: To keep her
neck warm
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does
a blonde look like after sex?
A: I don't know I am already gone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does an airplane and a blonde have in common?
A: They both have a cockpit
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is a blonde like a stamp?
A: They both get licked, stuck, and then sent on their way.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is a blonde like a shotgun?
A: Give her a cock and she's ready to blow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do saunas remind some people of blondes?
A: Because they're both steaming and wet when you enter, and
they don't mind if you bring friends.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are blondes like TVs?
A: Any three year old can turn them on.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's one thing everybody sees in a blonde?
A: A dick.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference
between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
A: The Atlantic Coast has fewer crabs.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you give a blonde more headroom?
A: Adjust the steering wheel.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and most men?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does a blonde use for protection during sex?
A: A bus shelter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between blondes and McDonald's?
A: A blonde serves more people in a night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you make a blondes eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in her ear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign
said "DON'T WALK".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:
Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why didn't the blonde
want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on
the box it said From 2-4 years.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's a blondes favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blondes are
so shallow, a long joke wouldn't fit.
A3: So men can understand them.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: When is it legal to
shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the definition
of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please.
I could never eat twelve pieces."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch a cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a
swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
A: A Space Invader.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you see when you look into a blondes eyes?
A: The back of her head.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's?
A: Because they can't spell Porsche.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2:
So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home. 48
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A1: A golden retriever.
A2: A labrador.
A3: An indicator
of a really bad hangover.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:
Why are blondes hurt by people's words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over
the kitchen floor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:
What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide and seek champ.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a supermarket trolley?
A: The supermarket trolley has a mind
of its own.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do
you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An air bag.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did they name the offspring of a blonde and a Puerto Rican?
A: Retardo.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you make a
blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do blondes wash
their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How did the blonde kill her toy poodle?
A: Trying to put batteries in it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Someone asked if a blonde believed in smoking.
A: She said "Yes, I've seen it done."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does a blonde have an IQ 1 point higher than a policehorse?
A: So she won't shit on the street during a
parade.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you
drive a blonde crazy?
A: Hide her hairbrush.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer
once.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't blondes
eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass
her the blow dryer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:
What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's a brunette's mating call?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
A2: When is that blonde going to
leave?
A3: "All the blondes have gone home"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final
frontier..."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's
brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep
amused.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many blondes
does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves
around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A wine cellar.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can
be forced to do.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How
did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q:
How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
|
